My current job will be done as of September 1st. This means I need to find something else. I am torn between continuing to look for a ministry job and just finding a job for now, were I can be somewhat satisfied and look into volunteering for the kind of work I would like to be paid for.
I have spent most of the day looking for jobs, both in full-time ministry and in the general work force. I have been noticing I have found it much easier to apply for the general jobs than the ministry jobs. I think it is because I am more worried about not hearing back/being rejected from the ministry jobs. If I don’t hear back from the general jobs, too bad, but it isn’t what I REALLY want anyway (besides just needing a job so I have an income). But, if I don’t hear back/am rejected from ministry jobs, I think I will find it more difficult because it might make me questions what I am doing and if I am ever going to have a job that I am fulfilled and passionate about.
I know it is all just silly, weird mind games I am playing with myself, but I can’t seem to help it. I also know I just need to apply to these ministry jobs and see what happens, but I am nervous.
Overall I am in a state off uncertainty and not sure what God wants me to do. I don’t know if the silence I am hearing is Him asking me to trust Him or just my inability to listen. I want to be patient, be smart and proactive in my faith and listening, but I am on a deadline, I need something in 2 weeks, three at the most, I have financial responsibilities.
I have told myself to carry on and do what I can with what I know but I think I am slipping back into the high school Beth who was so concerned about doing the one right thing, being on the one right path God wants for me. What if I miss it? I feel like, now that I have a degree, I need to do the right thing and find the right job that relates to my 4 long years of dedication to study. I want the booming voice, the vision from On High of my destiny, but logically I know this won’t happen.
I guess I just need to keep adopting the British slogan “Keep Calm and Carry On”, trusting even in the silence.
