Was I not told when I was young that I should care more about myself than about what others think of me?
Today I really realized that even though I am not 10 anymore, maybe I am not as far away from that youngster as I wish I was. Like, I value and fear what others think about me more than I value myself. Like, I am not good enough for that job, that boy finds me lacking, my habits are bigger than me, those people are cooler than me, I don’t fit in, my hopes will perpetually be crushed by reality, etc. etc.
And one part of me knows that all these things that seem to constantly being playing in my head aren’t true, but the other part does believe them, because there they are.
And, there I am, a 10 year old trapped in a 30 year old’s body seemingly unable to learn from the lessons of the past that have taught me that life isn’t always what it seems, I never know what might happen next, I learn quickly and can adapt, I can’t plan for every event, I don’t know what people are actually going through or thinking, the definition of risk isn’t failure, I’m happier when I’m loving others instead of isolating myself, God IS there, etc. etc.
I feel ashamed that I haven’t learned, that I do care too much, that even in knowing all this, I can’t seem to change.
Why does what I think you might think make me feel bad?
Are my judgements on others being repaid to me in feeling judged and found wanting (whether or not others are actually even judging me)?
It isn’t like it it all bad. I mean I know I have worth, I know what I am good at but, it is like the part of me that knows my value has to prove it and justify it to you. Like I have to work at convincing you of something. Like I have this foundation of worth but I have to quickly build a structure of helpfulness, humour, love, caring, giving, loyalty, creativity and smarts for you as the shelter of our relationship. I need to fabricate something that you will look around at and say to yourself “yah, I could live here.”
Or maybe deep down I don’t even believe it myself so I busy myself doing all of this to convince us both. If I can keep ahead of you, being useful in some way, you won’t catch up and really figure me out.
I read over this and I feel I sound pathetic. Or maybe, more accurately, it is what I have been saying, I am worried of what you think because I have been told people are attracted to people who are self confident. If I have been busy building a structure of worth and confidence then it is a scary thing to write something like this and start dismantling what I’ve been building.
I can’t quite come up with the conclusion to this post that I want… Maybe the truth is I have only been fooling myself and I haven’t tricked you into anything. Maybe you already know a lot of what and who I am and what and who I am not, but you like me anyway.
